Why Donald Trump's Running for President

If you're expecting to hear my political views, I keep those to myself. So, you won't find out who I'm voting for here or why. I'm only telling you why I think Trump's put himself out there.

You should also know I'm not a conspiracy theorist. Never have been. As proof, I offer this: I believe Oswald acted alone, I don't think the government is covering up anything in Roswell, and (sadly) I'm confident Elvis dropped dead on the toilet and isn't wandering around Kalamazoo, Michigan, right now eating fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches. There are other examples. We can argue about those later.

Since the beginning, I've believed that Donald Trump entered the race to help Hillary Clinton get elected President. By since the beginning, I mean at least since he announced his candidacy in June 2015, but I could be convinced that this goes back to the 90s when Bill was fucking around with Monica. In my mind, here's how the conversation might've gone:

Hillary: Okay, I'll put up with this bullshit now, but I get to be President someday.
Bill and the Political Powers That Be: You got it. Give us time.
Hillary: Take all you want.

But forget that. I'm only screwing with you. I realize Hillary has an impressive résumé.

Below are the points of my argument. Take them as you will.

1. Trump's craziness prior to his nomination has only gotten worse since the convention made it official. Insulting parents of a dead soldier, kicking a baby out of his rally. The list goes on, right? Beyond lunacy. Okay, by itself, it offers little to no proof of my thesis, but his antics certainly haven't helped the GOP. And if he's not helping the Republicans, Hillary benefits. Every time.

2. Three extremely popular billionaires have endorsed Hillary. Those are Mark Cuban, Mayor Bloomberg, and Warren Buffet. Again, absolutely no evidence here. Total conjecture. But if three billionaires can get together, why not four? It's an exclusive club. They know each other. They talk.

3. Believe it or not, Trump and Hillary are friends. Their daughters are close friends. Trump used to be a Democrat. As recently as July 2015 he said he identifies more as a Democrat. He supported the Clintons. Political rival Jeb Bush tweeted this theory last December!

4. Trump didn't release his first campaign ad until last week! Last week! That's unreal. Hillary's run over 30,000 of them! If he's not helping her, he's making very little effort to win. Clearly.

5. Trump employs anywhere from 30-60 campaign staffers. Hillary has over 600! "I alone can fix it." Really? Who takes that seriously? Nobody with a clear understanding of how a three-branch democratic system of government works.

6. Since announcing his candidacy, Trump has raised slightly more than $90 million. Doesn't sound awful, right? Only 3% has come from Super Pacs, by the way. Hillary has raised almost $375 million! Nearly 1/3 has come from Super Pacs. Pretty fucking interesting.

Don't believe those last three stats? Fine. Google them for yourself like I did. Or maybe you can get Bill O'Reilly to fact check me and stop me if I'm spinning.

7. For me, here's the real clincher: Trump's VP pick, Mike Pence, was the worst possible choice he could've made. With so many Independents and moderate Democrats declaring they're undecided because they don't trust Hillary, Trump should've picked a moderate like she did. Tim Kaine was the near-perfect choice to sway those middle voters. Pence is one of the most conservative members of Congress! He's not bringing anyone to the table. And don't give me evangelics and Tea Party conservatives. They won't vote for Hillary unless Jesus tells them to. And maybe not even then.

Final thoughts. I don't take Trump seriously. Never have. He reminds me of the old Andy Kaufman character, Tony Clifton. If you wanna believe in conspiracy theories, here's one - maybe Andy didn't die and Trump is the Clifton character. They'd be about the same age now. Judge for yourself. Here's a graphic I found online.