Serve Your Queen. Spoil Your Princess.

This one's for the boys.

Wanna be happy? Take my advice. Serve your Queen. Spoil your Princess.

I'm not saying every girl you'll ever meet falls into only two categories. They don't. They shouldn't. My advice applies across the board. Assess. Monitor and adjust. Play in the moment. Know when to serve and when to spoil. Use some fucking common sense.

But, above all, know this: she comes first. Got it? If not, go fuck yourself. Because she does.

And you're not gonna be perfect. I sure as hell ain't. My needs come first way too often. Sure, I could blame my wife. She aims to please. She sets the trap. I should know better by now. She plays the "Serve your King; Spoil your Prince" game every day. I can't let her.

Remember, she comes first. Got it? If not, go fuck yourself. Because she does.

But I really want to tell you how to do these things, not yell at you. So pick and choose what you need. Take what you want. Figure out when you need to serve and when you need to spoil. But do both. Often. And you'll have plenty of fun along the way.

How to serve?
This one's easy. Do the little things.

For example, I know my wife hates doing the laundry, so I try and pitch in every chance I get. Even if it's carrying the dirty clothes to the laundry room. I'll make the bed before she gets a chance. Do the dishes. Run the vacuum. Write the grocery list. Put up coffee. Cook dinner. I'm not much for taking care of her dog, but I'll walk and feed him if it means my wife can sleep in on the weekends.

I realize this is 2016 and couples are meant to share domestic duties. I get it. And I hope every couple does. But it's hard to shake antiquated notions, especially when your wife is a stay-at-home mom (or whatever it's called these days) and feels guilty if she's not doing every single household chore.

Here are some other ideas: go get her car washed, serviced, or fill the fucking tank for her without being asked. Hire a housecleaning service for the month. Mow the lawn. (This one's especially tough for me because I hate being outside. The flying insects target me. They do. And they bite.) Run errands for her. Go to the bank, the post office, the drug store. Pick up the kids, for a change.

You get it? Serve! It means doing the little things for her. Making her life easy. Your Queen wants that. And so should you.

How to spoil?
This one's harder. You have to know how to romance and shower with affection.

Rule #1: tell your Princess she's beautiful every day. In my opinion, this means more than saying, "I love you." Your Princess needs to know that you see her beauty. She's like sunshine.

If you want to go the flowers and chocolate route, don't offer those only on special occasions. Your Princess should throw those at you if you wait till Valentine's Day. There doesn't need to be a reason, if you're spoiling right.

Book a massage, splurge at the salon, take her shopping, wine and dine, let her pick the Saturday night movie for a change. Take a walk with her. Go to the gym together. Break out her favorite board game so you're not parked in front of the TV all night. Let her wake up to a Victoria's Secret gift card sitting in her inbox. Make sure your Princess knows she comes first!

And here's a big one: let your Princess have girls night when she wants. I struggle with this, ain't gonna lie. I get lonely. I like attention and proximity. But distance can work to your advantage. Let your hearts grow fonder. Missing a person says a lot about how you feel. About how you're connected. You can't be up each other's ass all the time. That isn't healthy.

This last part's tough, boys. Don't be selfish in the bedroom. You can't spoil your Princess if all you care about are your needs. Take your time. Rub her feet, massage her back and shoulders, kiss her tenderly on the lips. I have students who read this blog, so I'll stop there. But you get the picture, right? Go slow. Your Princess won't enjoy herself otherwise. It's all about being relaxed. If you want it over fast, just go to the bathroom and jerk off.

But your Princess won't have any fun, and nobody wants that.